movin on

how is it so easy for some people?

onto someone new before they even leave the old.

I guess I just don't like to fuck people over.

maybe in a situation like that you're required to be a little selfish.

but what if there is no one else? how do you know when it's time to leave?

if you're not leaving because you met someone new, what do you wait for to know it's not going to work?

the only reasons people usually leave are because they met someone new, or it's not working, or they grew apart.

but if something isn't working, can't you change things and make it work. actually try for a change.

I don't want to be one of those people that gets a divorce within the first year.

that's ridiculous.

what could possibly be so wrong with the person you decided to marry that after one year, you can't do it anymore?

has marriage really come to that? I thought that it was supposed to be serious. you marry your soul mate. the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.

I've put up with the same shit for 8 years. maybe on and off. but I'm pretty sure that before people actually divorce they normally separate and try to make things work eventually. and even when we did separate... we really never did.

I haven't gone more than three weeks in the last 8 years without being with Matt.

I have tried to make things work. I've tried very very hard. and it has worked. we have our problems just like anyone else. sometimes things get pretty bad. but we work through it. we try to anyways.

but what happens if you've tried so hard for so many years... and then you realize that no matter how much effort you put forth, they'll never reciprocate.

I've put almost half of my life into this relationship. we both have.

and I feel like it was a waste.

not because there are any huge problems.

just sometimes people don't seem to understand that a relationship has two sides.

and even if one side is truly trying, it won't work.

you can't hold something like this together on your own.

so how do you let go?

I guess I'm usually the person on the side that doesn't try.. and I'm usually the person that moves on before I even leave.

but I'm not a child anymore.

I am the person that tries. and I haven't moved on. I can't move on.

but maybe it's time to try.

anger

I don't think that you should have to express your anger in the form of a letter.

but when you try to talk to someone about it and they just talk over you constantly and never let you get your thoughts in... I suppose it's the only option.

I just don't understand how people can still be so hard headed to think they're right all the time. it's okay to be wrong sometimes. I'm wrong all the fucking time. I used to have a problem admitting that, but fortunately I've changed and let go of some of that pride. and usually now I'm wrong ALL the time because certain people are still too stubborn.

frankly I'm sick of it. and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

---

well we got our kitten yesterday. she's really cute.

great way to start the day...

so the first thing I normally do in the morning is go pee.

and I really have to go right now.

unfortunately someone clogged the toilet hours ago and then left for work.

without telling me.

we have no plunger, and there is water ALL over the fucking floor.

god dammit!

you couldn't have even thrown a towel down?

you could have gotten that taken care of for the hour you sit here and watch tv.

or maybe even just woke me up and told me so that I would have known and could have taken care of it myself!

I am really starting to hate how inconsiderate people can be.

all the fucking time.

I would love to go get a plunger and then have a usable toilet... but I have to leave for work in less than 30 minutes. had I known about this hours ago when it happened, I could have fixed the problem.

what a great start to my day.

and I'll probably have to end my day fixing this problem. because no one else will... just like all the other problems. time to take action.




EDIT:

I was correct. came home from a long day at work, the problem still had not been fixed.

how convenient that you can just go pee outside.

and you couldn't even pick up the wet towels that I had cleaned the mess up with in a hurry?

but I fixed it. and cleaned up someone else's mess. what a surprise.

stuck

so I created a blog a while back in my need to vent (to myself) and totally forgot about it. as I do with every journal I've ever kept. although I usually lose those. at least this one I can't lose.... actually, that may not be a good thing.

but here we are almost a year later and I wonder if I ever even truly contemplated the thoughts in my prior venting sessions.

probably not.

which is why I'm still in the same exact spot.

stuck.

is it fear that keeps us doing the same old shit that we're so used to doing?

I suppose I'm not as strong as I'd hoped to be.

having grown up the way I did I should feel fortunate to be living the life I'm living. well, really to be living at all...

I guess I thought the easiest way for me to prove I was nothing like my mother was to get into a serious relationship and not just become dependent on any guy that was willing to support me and my kid (thankfully I don't have one of those!). even if he was an abusive pedophile. or an alcoholic. or a drug addict... you name it.

but in a way I ended up doing exactly that, maybe not with someone as terrible. well not terrible at all really. at least I got that part right. but I do depend on having Matt around for support. emotionally, financially...  everything. I'd be lost without him.

I'm really just like her in so many horrible ways.

they say the beginning years of your life play an imperative role in the person you'll become. unfortunately my mom raised me for most of that part. well... let me raise myself. so much for a role model. I suppose you shouldn't really expect to look up to your 16 year old mother.

even when you forgive someone for being soley responsible for fucking up your life, I guess you never forget.

but I suppose I'm an adult. and I make my own choices. maybe it's time to quit blaming my past for a shitty future.