stuck

so I created a blog a while back in my need to vent (to myself) and totally forgot about it. as I do with every journal I've ever kept. although I usually lose those. at least this one I can't lose.... actually, that may not be a good thing.

but here we are almost a year later and I wonder if I ever even truly contemplated the thoughts in my prior venting sessions.

probably not.

which is why I'm still in the same exact spot.

stuck.

is it fear that keeps us doing the same old shit that we're so used to doing?

I suppose I'm not as strong as I'd hoped to be.

having grown up the way I did I should feel fortunate to be living the life I'm living. well, really to be living at all...

I guess I thought the easiest way for me to prove I was nothing like my mother was to get into a serious relationship and not just become dependent on any guy that was willing to support me and my kid (thankfully I don't have one of those!). even if he was an abusive pedophile. or an alcoholic. or a drug addict... you name it.

but in a way I ended up doing exactly that, maybe not with someone as terrible. well not terrible at all really. at least I got that part right. but I do depend on having Matt around for support. emotionally, financially...  everything. I'd be lost without him.

I'm really just like her in so many horrible ways.

they say the beginning years of your life play an imperative role in the person you'll become. unfortunately my mom raised me for most of that part. well... let me raise myself. so much for a role model. I suppose you shouldn't really expect to look up to your 16 year old mother.

even when you forgive someone for being soley responsible for fucking up your life, I guess you never forget.

but I suppose I'm an adult. and I make my own choices. maybe it's time to quit blaming my past for a shitty future.