time for change

reading through all of my old posts I suppose it was about time for a change.

though I think I made it out to be a lot worse than it really was. I guess I was venting. I probably should have thrown some stuff in there about all of the good times.

there really were a lot more of those than there were bad. I may have taken that for granted.

but either way, that change happened. a lot of changes happened.

I'm no longer unemployed. that didn't last long. I got a job before the end of summer. I really wish I could have postponed that though.

that was a great summer. a great year really. what the fuck was I even complaining about all that time??

the year ended well, I was engaged and happier than ever! I was ready to marry my childhood sweetheart, after 10 years! well, I had been ready for a long time really.

the new year started, 2012 seemed promising! we had a lot to look forward to and a wedding to plan.

but there was a small problem, actually a big problem. I was addicted to painkillers. and I had been for years. I decided that before I got married I should finally kick the habit. be the person that I really was. that was a scary thought back then.

I had tried this a number of times before and was not successful.

May rolled around and I decided that "methadone me" had to end. I really liked her though.

but on May 9, 2012 I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and quit. I promised that no matter what, I would never go back to being that person. even if it meant ending my relationship.

I suppose a part of me knew that I wouldn't be able to handle the relationship through the withdrawals. it's why I went back to pills every time before. but not this time. I was going to make it out.

I didn't have any idea how bad it would really be.

I hated the person that I became after that. I was a monster. I really was a terrible, terrible person. I needed to be alone. I couldn't drag someone else through the fucked up situation that I had created. so I ended an engagement. a great relationship... I lost my best friend.

I thought for the first time I was thinking clearly but I was even more fucked up than when I was on drugs. I was a mess.

I'm not sure how, but I made it through. I'm definitely not the person I was a year ago. though I actually really liked her.

and thankfully I'm not the person that I was last May. that was the most miserable me that there ever has been.

after a few months I got my shit together, well sort of. I at least picked up most of the pieces and moved on with life.

and when I least expected it, I found exactly what I needed. all that I could ever want! what I had always been hoping to have in the past but wasn't at all looking for at the time. I guess that's how love is supposed to work. the real kind. the kind you just can't ignore.

even though I should have, I couldn't ignore him. I was not in any way looking for a relationship. but it certainly found me. found both of us really.

and it was perfect. and it's been perfect! in it's own crazy way :)

"sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

American History X taught me that you end all good writing with a quote. haha.

and I suppose that one is pretty accurate.

you never know why things happen in life. but you get through them.

and hopefully you end up somewhere better than you started off.

it was definitely time for a change and I couldn't have timed it more perfectly.

things have fallen together quite nicely. I couldn't have planned it better if I had tried.